lots and lots of dreams lately. I should be writing more of them down.

there was that one a while ago about the indoor miniature golf course / abandoned puppet prop rooms, kind of a kid’s maze with a waterslide as the last section, suddenly you’re through and in an amusement park. a ferris wheel as tall as a skyscraper. I think it rained. I don’t quite remember.

and the one I kept having over and over that rarely shows up anymore, about how I had to go around the house and keep re-closing and re-locking all the doors and windows, over and over and over. someone kept leaving them open and I’d come home from being out and there was someone or something on the loose (murderer, stalker in the woods, huge monster dinosaurs and gorillas) and I’d never know if he / they had gotten in or not. I kept saying to myself, who in their right mind would leave all of this open? but never knew who it was.

the ones about friends lately: jen leahy in gold with a downtown job, alicia and jamie and slaven all moving to chicago, jesse keeping me on the phone for hours but unable to tell me why and unwilling to let out his story.

and the other night, the one about the sex casino where nothing happened, save for the abandonment of the little boy at the door; the one about the wedding-slash-wake… one where my aunt was trying to turn my mom against me… lots involving dead relatives. barry is in most of them too. I came close to lucidity the other night, he looked over at me and said something to the effect of, can you tell when the scary part is coming, I can and I was like YES ME TOO and we were able to get around scary part before it caught up to us, somehow.

I don’t know if any of this means anything, or if it all means everything, or something in between. I guess I could ask my therapist.

last night was especially vivid. I was actively violating the temporal prime directive to try and keep my sister from killing herself (that part happened in real life two summers ago), and there was also an alternate existence at play — I’d somehow gone back in time to another plane, where barry and I didn’t know each other, and the suicide was about to happen but so was her wedding. there was a photocopied packet with an image on the front, and she scolded me when I made a jesus joke.

I told my husband and he understood how heavy it was. I told a coworker and she asked if I thought it was my sister coming to visit me, in the spiritual sense. I didn’t know how to answer. I haven’t told my aunt because she’ll think It’s A Sign having to do with how my brother-in-law played a role in her death, and that my sister is trying to reach me to tell me about it. (not joking.)  and now I’m telling the internet for some sort of catharsis, perhaps? I don’t know. blogging is still part of my processing.

I think that’s all I’ve got for now.